Things I wish I could say to you right now ...

I think you enjoy being an asshole.

Did you even thinking before you spoke? How can you be "done" with Haitian girls? You came from one?! Have some respect.

You are so ignorant.

I am still in love with you.

I still care for you.

Lately, when I talk to you, you get me so angry that I regret ever hitting you up.

Do you miss me?

I miss you ... a lot.

Why am I the one being tortured by the fact I can't have you?

I wish you knew the pain you've caused me over the last two years.

I've cried so many nights and lost sleep over you.

I just wish you could hold me again.

I just want to feel your lips.

I wish you the best in life.

The girl that ends up with you is very lucky.

You are a complete ass.

I have tried so many times to just walk away from you.

Do you know how much you mean to me?

Do you still care?

Do you think of me ever?

Do I still mean anything to you?

Do you know my feelings?

I feel like I can't hide my feelings with you, but it's the only way I'd get through to you.

I wish I didn't feel this way.

I wish I could tell you all of this and just be able to walk away.

I honestly wish I could just delete you from my life, it would be so much easier.

I honestly regret ever talking to you, I may have not gone through all this pain.

I wish I knew how you felt.

I loved having sex with you.

Last summer was probably the best summer because of the times I spent with you.

I wish we went out longer.

I wish your mom liked me.

I wish you had patience.

You make me want to become better person.

I'm trying to become a better me and make you realize what you missed out on.

You caused my depression.

You intensified my insomnia.

Fuck you.

Fuck me.

It dperesses me that I have so much to say to you and I can't say it, or I don't know how...

Fuck College

So last semester was my first semester of college. I didn't think it was too difficult and I managed to go out with a 3.4.

This semester is another story. First off I had a terrible chem teacher. He was a nice guy and all and knew a lot about chemistry, but he couldn't teach for shit. He would teach in class and I would somewhat understand things, but come the freaking quizzes, I'd bomb them. Honestly throughout the course of the semester there was only two quizzes that I got above a 65 (one was an automatic 100 for completing and the other was a 69). And I wasn't the only one. Out of a class of 35, probably like 3 people were passing his quizzes. But I'm not going to talk about everyone else.

I know what the fuck I am doing in school. I'm not a dumbass, so to get those kinds of grades really pissed me off. And also the fact I finished chemistry with an A- last semester, it says something. I stayed up all night studying for the freaking midterm and I end up getting a 67 (including 10 points as mercy). And he had the audacity to tell me I should have studied harder. No BITCH you need to change the way you teach and present your material. Honestly the only thing that saved me in chem was the freaking homework which I tried to keep a high 90 and chem lab which wasn't even that great. Fuck GenChem. I'm done with it... now off to Orgo. -_____-

The thing that pisses me off is my final grade for anthropology and biology. I had an A midsemester for anthropology. And that was with one A- on a test and the discussion posts up to par. I missed 2 discussion posts, a 76 on the second test, an 80 on a project and I felt as if a got a 90something on the final, so how in the world did I end up wit a B?! Granted I never showed up for the class, but it was never stated in the syllabus if there was an attendance policy. If you are going to deduct points for attendance, you should state. It's only fair.

For Biology, I've never gotten a lot of As in bio, but thats the major i Want? Whatever, for midsemester I had an A- (shocked me.) I didn't do well on the tests 79, 84, and the final was horrible (i dont know what I got on that). I got an 88 for a group project and I sited my sources which should have given me a 93 (but im not bitter.) I did the fucking clicker questions and my homework. I don't understand as to why I got a B. At least it should have gone down to a B+, i would have taken that. I was doing wonderful in Bio lab. I had three lab reports that I slipped under my lab instructors door and I think that's why my grade went down, because he never received it. Damn it i should have followed up with him.

I emailed those two subjects and hopefully I can get myself to calm down and hopefully the grades change )please make a mistake). I just need at lease a 3.0 this semester to make me feel like i'm not a failure.

If i cant, I might as well change my major now...

fuck.


**Like it makes me wonder. Like what was the point of studying so hard. All those late nights. All those all-nighters. If i have to put in so much work for mediocre results then whats the point? What am I doing wrong.? I don't party much and I don't go out. So what is it? Why can't I just get the grades I need.

I can never catch a break...

I often wonder if God's just up there wondering on how to make my life more miserable. I know the saying "He only gives you what you can handle", but at a certain point it's just too much. Like honestly I'm surprised that I'm not mentally ill or suicidal. There's just so much a person can take.

Yes there are people with fat worst things, but I don't live in that situation. I live in this situation and have had a bunch of shit thrown at me. Honestly, I can't take it. Like if I am not getting any sleep because of something, or when I do crying myself to sleep or waking up crying about something, there's something wrong. If I don't eat for days at a time or eat a lot for days at a time there's something wrong.

People just don't get it. And I don't want them to get it either. UGH all i can do is put a smile on and pretend nothings the matter. Why. Why do I have to pretend? Why can't it just be real.?

Blue Ivy Carter

She's here ! Beyonce has given birth to a beautiful baby girl. I have searching since last night and woke up to find it's true. I'm so excited and I don't even know the family. I have some love for Bey that I can't explain. She's probably the only celebrity I go crazy for. I just want to be her ! She's so beautiful and talented. I love her music and love dancing to her. Half my tumblr is pictures of her and my friends think a groupie cause I'm always blasting her music in the car. AHH! She's just amazing.

Now she has an amazing daughter that's going to be just like her mommy. She's such a lucky girl to be born to two great people. She'll be beautiful, talented (probs can rap and sing by the age of 3), she'll be a leader. Just EVERYTHING! I'm so excited. I can see it know me singing to her music and my kids asking why am I enjoying such music. I'm too old. I'll be able to say I remember when she was born! Ugh I'm so old haha

Congrats Bey! I know you have somuch live to give to your princess.

Hoping to meet you some day,
Pamela (:

I will never be skinny enough...

As I am here sitting listening to my workout playlist I figured I should write another blog. As a new year's resolution, I've decided to workout and lose weight (tone my body). It's one of those typical resolutions, but I hope to keep it up.

For several years I have been battling with my weight. I don't remember why it started, but around 6th grade I started to lose weight. I went from a 130 lbs. 13 year old to a 105 lbs. 15 year old. I don't like eating breakfast, so im guessiv during that period I stopped eating breakfast. And I ate a lot smaller portions and I just wasn't hungry. So I lost my baby fat and I was thin. But I never thought I was. I was still sucking it it and hoping to lose more weight.

My family had always say I was a chubby child but once I started to lose weight they said I was too skinny and I should eat more. I don't thunk I starved myself because I still ate and I loved junk food. Plus I danced and played basketball, softball, and volleyball throughout those years.

I remember my mom telling me that I didn't have boobs or an ass because I never ate and I always wanted them.

Well for some reason a little before the summer of 2010 I started to gain weight. I didn't really notice, until my boobs kept getting bigger and people kept telling me. But it didn't hit me until summer 2011 when I went for a physical for college. In one year I had gain 20+ pounds. From 127 to 139 lbs. And it didn't stop there.

After finishing my first semester, I weighed myself and I am 155 lbs. I feel gross and disgusting and huge. I can't look at myself in the mirror. And I just had to pick the college with thin, beautiful girls. I feel so ugly at school.

I don't think I eat a lot, I just don't go to the gym. But I've never been someone to go to the gym. I hate it. I always feel like someones always watching and judging. Even though everyones there for themselves but still. I get so jealous when the thin beautiful girl walks in the gym and the creeps all attack her. Not that I want to be attacked. I just want to get noticed for my body. I never have been.

So I've been trying every other day or so to do some exercise. I still don't go to the gym. But I do jumping jacks, crunches, leg lifts, planks, push ups, running in place, wall sits, dumbbell work, dance, and Zumba. (not all at once exactly). I need my prefect weight. But I also need to see myself beautiful as well. At the moment I don't. So I hope this new years resolution sticks. Especially when school starts next week. Wish me.

I'll let you know how the process goes. So far 1 pound down. But it'll probs come back with the food I'm eating.

I need to learn to eat healthy and less fat. (Haitian food is so good though!)

Until next time, You are beautiful.
Pam

Woah Time Flies

I haven't blogged in so long. It's crazy reading my posts before. So maybe I should update you on my life. Well from March of 2011 and on ... I graduated high school in May. I was accepted to 8 of the 10 schools I applied to. Ended up going to Emmanuel College. I got my license at the end of June and been driving since. Sti don't have a car. I have a man (sort of) not sure how I feel about it yet. I'm not a virgin anymore. I might like sex a little too much. I still am in love with my ex. I feel like it won't go away. I entered college in the fall of 2011. I turned 19 years old on my birthday. It was good, except I missed the way my friends and family celebrated my birthday. College is alright. I've been drinking, but I haven't gotten drunk. I've gone out a few times, but not enough. I want to change that. I finished my first semester of college! Yay I can actually survive. I was worried about some of my grades for the end, but I think I did alright. I took Bio and Chem with labs. A first year seminar that I hated. Precalculus( which was a pain in my ass. Thank god it's over. I hated that teacher so much). And an online itech excel class. I am on winter break right now until Jan 18. My schedule for my semester is busy. Bio and ch with labs again. Sociology:intro to anthropology. Women on religion. And history of musical theatre. I might like classes but I might not. So I have brought you up to date with my life. A little short but that's the important stuff (except the part of sex). Lol well I really should be sleeping because it is really late. Hopefully I'll remember to post things now that I remember the longin.

Till then,
Pammm

Aunt Flow

Oh period. How I hate thee!

I pretty sure every girl has said this. (maybe not in those exact words but you get what I mean). I hate it with a burning passion. Which is why when I only get it like 3 tomes a year I don't really complain ... Until I do get it. The pain/cramps are unbearable.

These past two days have been miserable for me. I had gotten my period Tuesday (it is now Thursday) and I wasn't really expecting it. I had gotten it in January so I figured I would get it in another 3 months or so.. So when I got it at school wasn't too happy. I hadn't gotten any pms signs. I normally get then but I get used to them meaning nothing, I didn't pay mind. So I was pretty pissed. That was in the morning. As the day progressed, I started cramping, which would normally make a girl cry but again I was used to that pain. Then came lunch. I decided I should just eat something salty to get something in my system instead of eating my entire lunch. So I chose fries. This was a bad idea bfrom then on I had to excuse myself at least 3 times from my next class to throw up the contents that were barely present in my stomach (I don't eat breakfast). I finally was fed up that I went to the nurses office. She gave me some Tylenol and made me lay down with a heating pad. Those didn't work because in the next 15 mins, I would have gotten up to upchuck the pills I just took. Let's just say anytime I tried to put something in my stomach, may it be Ginger ale, tea, chicken broth, motrin, Tylenol, midol, noodles, nothing stayed down. I was so exhausted by 8 pm that night I figured I'd just let myself starve the rest of the night. All because my cramps were like contractions. Painful.

What is wrong with me?

This isn't the first time Ive have problem with my period. Even when I first go it back in 5th grade, it still was weird. The first time I got it I think it lasted about 20 days. It supposed to last 3-7 days the most. Imagine. I thought I was dying. I think I told my mom who told my doctor and no one was that concerned. The second time I got it was. A few months after and that was for two weeks. Oh god what's wrong with me? Why am I bleeding so much? It was somewhat normal after that. Still skipping a month or two in between. I had it for 10, 7, even 4 days once. But I don't know. Something happened that I started missing a lot of months. I wasn't much of an eater so my mom would say I was losing my baby fat and a lot of weight (still think I'm huge so whatever). But at one point I realized I hadn't gotten my period for 4 months then. (this was junior year) the 4 became 5 than 6. I honestly thought I was pregnant or diseased. I'm still a virgin. So what was going on?

I finally told my mom and I was scorned at for not coming to her sooner. So she made an appointment with the gyno. He was a little short man who was really creepy. He told me that it was normal for girls like me to have irregular periods. He missed the part about me having it for 6 years already and my skipping 6 months... But cool. He didn't want rot put me on birth control since I wasn't "sexually active" so he didn't want to put me at risk. Oh I got my period that day.

The next time i got my period was another 4 months after. I went to my regular doctor. She took blood tests and stuff and said everything checked out fine. I wasn't pregnant. My hormone levels are fine. But I should do more tests. That was last summer. I got my period in October of senior year. Than in January. Then march 1.

Every single time I get my period I get really bad cramps that just make me keel over and cry because I feel like I'm having contractions. Lately they've been making me sick too. It's terrible. It scares me sometimes because no one can tell me what's wrong. I have been on numerous websites and sort of diagnosed myself. I can't remember the name but something about a cyst or cysts in my ovaries. That could be causing my painful cramps, skipped periods, and longer time. I read that it's not big deal if it's caught on time. This has been happening since 5th grade. I am now a senior in high school. No one will listen to me. Not my mother or doctors. They say I am fine and it's normal when clearly I'm not.

The one thing I'm just worried about is not being able to have kids when I'm older. I know pain and such. But there's something that being able to carry life in you and give birth to your child that I think every girl wants to do and it literally gives me panic attacks because I might not be able to. Hopefully this coming spring vacation I can convince someone to test me and give me something (doesn't have to be birth control .. Though it could come in handy) for the pain. I don't know how much I can take. I don't want to be lazy and sick and have to take days off because u can't handle what mother nature handed to me. But come on, give me one break? I want something to be normal and go correctly in my life. Is that too much to ask for?


Hopefully get answers soon,
Pami<3