I will never be skinny enough...

As I am here sitting listening to my workout playlist I figured I should write another blog. As a new year's resolution, I've decided to workout and lose weight (tone my body). It's one of those typical resolutions, but I hope to keep it up.

For several years I have been battling with my weight. I don't remember why it started, but around 6th grade I started to lose weight. I went from a 130 lbs. 13 year old to a 105 lbs. 15 year old. I don't like eating breakfast, so im guessiv during that period I stopped eating breakfast. And I ate a lot smaller portions and I just wasn't hungry. So I lost my baby fat and I was thin. But I never thought I was. I was still sucking it it and hoping to lose more weight.

My family had always say I was a chubby child but once I started to lose weight they said I was too skinny and I should eat more. I don't thunk I starved myself because I still ate and I loved junk food. Plus I danced and played basketball, softball, and volleyball throughout those years.

I remember my mom telling me that I didn't have boobs or an ass because I never ate and I always wanted them.

Well for some reason a little before the summer of 2010 I started to gain weight. I didn't really notice, until my boobs kept getting bigger and people kept telling me. But it didn't hit me until summer 2011 when I went for a physical for college. In one year I had gain 20+ pounds. From 127 to 139 lbs. And it didn't stop there.

After finishing my first semester, I weighed myself and I am 155 lbs. I feel gross and disgusting and huge. I can't look at myself in the mirror. And I just had to pick the college with thin, beautiful girls. I feel so ugly at school.

I don't think I eat a lot, I just don't go to the gym. But I've never been someone to go to the gym. I hate it. I always feel like someones always watching and judging. Even though everyones there for themselves but still. I get so jealous when the thin beautiful girl walks in the gym and the creeps all attack her. Not that I want to be attacked. I just want to get noticed for my body. I never have been.

So I've been trying every other day or so to do some exercise. I still don't go to the gym. But I do jumping jacks, crunches, leg lifts, planks, push ups, running in place, wall sits, dumbbell work, dance, and Zumba. (not all at once exactly). I need my prefect weight. But I also need to see myself beautiful as well. At the moment I don't. So I hope this new years resolution sticks. Especially when school starts next week. Wish me.

I'll let you know how the process goes. So far 1 pound down. But it'll probs come back with the food I'm eating.

I need to learn to eat healthy and less fat. (Haitian food is so good though!)

Until next time, You are beautiful.
Pam