Feelings

So I am the worse person when it comes to feelings. I can't seem to hide the ones I want to hide, and don't show the ones that I should show ... If that makes sense.

One example: my feelings towards boys. I haven't really had boyfriends, maybe like two. But I have liked a couple of guys. My first major ... time liking a guy was freshman year. We started talking because my friend had mentioned he was cute. We had talked about him a little, but I wanted to meet this kid. So me being the creep, I went on myspace (oh god so long ago) and I found his screenname and IMed him. And being the "brave" one, I initiated the talking. It was just friendly talk. He somehow got my number (lol) and we talked a lot. I remember the first time we talked on the phone. It was a night my parents were going out. We were asking each other random and stupid questions from surveys that we found on myspace. So cute. I think that's where I started to like him. We talked on the phone a lot especially at night, so we wouldn't get caught. I remember he used to like the Chris Brown song "With U". I can't help but think of him when that song comes on, but it's cool. But anyways , he was a freaky kid (haha). I think I was interested in sex because of him, yet we never did anything. Well I can't say that. We did sext a lot. It was awkward at the time but I was okay with it I guess. But I regret it now. Like I don't know what happened to the things I sent him. If he showed them to people. Like come on he was a freshman, might of thought it was cool. I'd like to believe he just deleted them. Hopefully it doesn't bite me in the ass later on in life.

We clicked, or at least I thought we did. We "talked talked" seriously for about 5-6 months. We talked almost every single day and now that I look back I might have fallen for this kid. Imagine that. Hmm. Well a few month after we first talked I went to a dance at his school. He told me he wasn't going, but I still hoped he did- which he did. I remember he smelled really good and I could feel his muscles when I was dancing with him. It was kind of awkward with my friends around, but it was all good. At the end of the night, I remember he was talking to a friend. I didn't want to interupt, but I had to leave. So I went over and his friend left us alone. We talked a bit and finally I said bye and hugged him. When we hugged, I kissed him on the cheek. There he said if I wanted a kiss all I had to do was ask. So I said "kiss me". And we kissed. I might have had two kisses before that but that was the first one I really liked. I couldn't tell you how long we "made out" (according to my friends), but we were interrupted by one of his friends hollering in the back. I was mesmorized. I couldn't even see the other people in the room when I left. Before we got in my car, I told my friends not to say a word and I was silent the ride home. Thinking "omg. I kissed him. Ahh his lips!" I think the only thing I regret about the dance was not grinding with him (haha). I wanted to so bad, but he didn't want to get in trouble .. So whatever lol.

I thought everything was good, but I had gotten fed up with him not asking me out. It had been months. So I confronted him and there I was told he was moving at the end of the summer, so what was the point. We kinda made it seem like we'd never see each other again after he'd move. I remember at a church party he wanted me to go to another room, but my parets wouldn't let me. I think that was suppose to be the last time I saw him. I had beaten myself up because that. Actually, I went home and cried because I couldn't believe I didn't just get up and go see him and that was the last time I saw him. And like that, we "ended" whatever was there. I was heartbroken. I think that's where my insomnia kicked up.

So I got a "boyfriend" sophomore year but it was mostly to hide the fact I still liked him. I was thinking about him a lot, but I just wanted to stop. I don't know if I had been broken up with my boyfriend then? But he had a girlfriend and I guess they were taking "a break". I remember we were talking- he wouldn't tell me like what was wrong, but he did have the audacity to ask my to do the old things we used to do on the phone. I don't know. Maybe I took it the wrong way, but that pissed me off like unbelievably. It was like a slap to the face. It was as if I was some slut to the side that would always be there when he wanted something. That one hurt a lot. But I didn't hate him. I couldn't bring myself up to it. I still checked up on him. Made sure he was okay. I had my spies lol. But we didn't talk much after that.

Somehow I had to ask him help for an English project. I remember while talking to him I realized how much I missed talking to him. But his talking seemed as if he was annoyed with me so I didn't push it much. We remained friends, talking occasionally here and there. Oh after he moved, I think I saw him every other weekend or whenever I went to church.

Four years later, after other guys and him having a girl for 2 years, I still can't seem to bury those feelings for him from freshman year. I get a little happy seeing him wherever. I hope I don't get on his nerves when I text him. I text him quite a bit sometime. I should stop .. Hmm. But those feelings are there. They aren't like flaming like freshman year but I still can feel them. But shhh, don't tell him. I am not trying to be a homewrecker. I would never try that ... Not that I can ever be. He loves his girlfriend very much, it's so cute. Seriously. They are so cute together. He doesn't tell me much about her, but I bet she's awesome (honestly) ... she keeps him happy. That's all that matters, right?

I just hope we can stay friends even through college. I know he wants to go off to NY and forget all about me, but I'll try to keep in touch. I hate losing contact with people I'm so close with. Hm we'll just have to see then. We've been talking lately and sometime I feel like we shouldn't as much? Like maybe I'm crossing a line that I shouldn't be crossing? I wish he told me when I did, it'll be a shock, but at least I know what to control and what to say and what not to say to him. I want to keep that friendship and help it grow.

Another boy is my most recent ex. I had met him freshman year at a dance I went to to see (ha!) the kid I liked freshman year ... (Ironic?). Anyways, we would randomly check up on each other over the years with the occassional "hey ... What's up ... How's school" conversations. He had a girlfriend somewhere around sophomore year, so I dropped talking to him. You never know with these girls, they might accuse people of things. But anyways, in my junior year, my friends and I decided to go to the same dance (they had one every year around the same date at that school). My best friend and I were dancing stupidly because that's just how we are around each other. Out of nowhere, two kids come up to ask us to dance and what do you know, it was the kid I was friends with on facebook. "Wow, he got bigger and hotter," was my thought. So I told him it was me and he was as shocked as I was. We started dancing and something must have clicked because we danced at least 6 times that night. I started to get butterflies (little did I know, those wouldn't go away). During a slow dance, we caught up with each other with life and school. He slipped in that I had gotten prettier and filled out more since freshman year. The whole filling out more ... I just told myself to take it as a compliment. Anyways, we swapped numbers and went home. I was skeptical that he was going to call me because I had seen him get many numbers that night. Well, he called me the next day. Every day after that, we either texted or talked on the phone with each other.

That was February. A friend and I had organized a few events to raise money for the earthquake victims in Haiti. One of our last events was a "Caribbean Soiree". That was the next time I had seen him, in April. We hung out and danced. He was getting thirsty, so I brought him to the place where he could get water. In that room, we kissed. Any image on TV, in movies about what happens when you kiss someone (fireworks, leg going up, music) that happened. It was just like BOOM. It was great; we both knew it was right. I had never felt like that when I kissed someone. That made it official- we would talk seriously. Our best friends made it their mission "operation PM" to get us together. Well, I was in a musical production in my school that May. I had invited him, not really thinking he would come. When the curtains opened for the first scene, my eyes went straight to where he was. "OMG ! He's actually here!" from then on I knew I had to ask him to prom. Later on that day, we were playing the question game and asked him to prom. He said yes and my friends approved. I was a happy girl.

I had a gathering for all my friends and their dates so it wasn't awkward the day of. It was great. My parents met him and they approved (very hard for the Haitians to like a boy). Next week was prom and he had been dropped off at my house talking to my dad as I got ready. When I entered the room, his eyes lit up and he was looking so good in his tux. Later on he told me he couldn't focus on what my father was saying after I walked in. I really liked this kid; it was unreal. All throughout the night, he was telling me I looked beautiful and how happy he was I had invited him. It was an amazing night. At after prom, I had gotten really tired since we had to be there until 5 A.M. So I didn't really want to do anything. So we cuddled on a couch and just chilled. Couldn't have asked for better. Somewhere around 2 a.m., he had gotten really fidgety and nervous, so I asked what was wrong. There, as if I was God's favorite person in the world at that moment, he had asked me out. I was smiling for the entire day after. He was perfect. My prom night was amazing, best time I've ever had.

We just fell for each other (or I thought we did). I had gone over his house, he'd come to my parties, we'd go see fireworks for fourth of July with my family. Happiest girl alive. Then tragedy struck. Not really, but for dramatic effect. His birthday was later in July and he had wanted me to come over, but my parents weren't having it. I was 17 years old and I wasn't allowed to go see my boyfriend for his birthday. I hated them. He told me it was cool and that he'd go out with his mom. But I knew he was hurt. Later I found out his mom hated me, saying I had no morals or standards, which she had every right to be mad. It's her baby right? So that started a sequence of arguments (which we never had). He was fed up with not being able to see me whenever he could. While we were talking, I had told him that I hve THE strictest parents so I wouldn't be able to go out any time I wanted to, but I would try my best. He was upset because before July 3rd, the last time was June 22nd, our first month. So July 18th was his birthday so I couldn't see him. So I decded I'd plan a get together for the 22nd, our second month. That day we hadn't talked all day and when we did, he gave me attitude. So I figured he had forgotten our 2nd month (yes I am that type. At least acknowledge it I told him) I went to bed mad and woke up to a text saying his was sorry and that he loved me. He was just upset that his mom wouldn't let him come (understandable). That night we had an arguement and he told me that he was havig second thoughts about the relationship. It had broken my heart because not to long before he had told me he loved me. Then he realized what he said apologized and said he wouldn't just leave me like that. But he needed some change (I told him it wouldn't be over night, but I'll try). Two days later, he broke up with me.

I had a lot going on that day. I was stressed about college visits, family problems and I had heard this kid I knew had drowned earlier that morning. He knew I wasn't feeling it. But when I got home later on AIM, he had said he promised himself he wouldn't get into a relationship that he couldn't see his girlfriend, then compared our relationship and me to his last one and ex. He said it was over and that we should be friends. And as I cry while I'm writing this, I wonderig why didn't I break up with him before that happened if I knew it was coming?

I can't just stop talking to someone, especially if I have strong feelings for you. So I was the annoying ex who still texted you and tried talkig to you but always got shut down. I would get random questions just so I could talk to him. I went to his a couple of football games (I owed him at least those). The first one that I went to was in October and his team had lost. On the ride home, he was very sad but loosened up a bit. By the time I got home, I gave him a quick kiss ad was on my way. Six months of affection flooded back into my head and I was transfixed for the night. We talked the day after and he said he was really glad that
i had came and I made him feel better about the lost, but that the kiss wasn't going to save our relationship. I was crushed but I understood. The other game I went to, I went with two different friends and he barely said two words to me (his team lost again ... Honestly I think I'm bad luck). So I left angry, didn't even say bye. How could he ?! I went to another dance at his school, but it wasn't fun. I was thinking to much about everything. I was hooked on this kid badly. He and his friend had taken me and a friend to their winterball. I thought it was cute that he wanted me to go, but then realized that he was probably playing "wingman" and I was the "winggirl" for our friends. Whatever. I had fun I guess.

We spent all of New Year's talking and he mentioned that he still wanted to hook up and shit (pardon my language) but be single for college. He had come over to give me pictures from the winterball. While he was talking to my brothers, I was playing with his phone. Not creeping. Playing brickbreaker. Somehow I ended up taken a picture of my foot? So I went on his album to delete it. I had regretted my action right then and there. I saw pictures of a girl wearing a tanktop without a bra and other pictures. I was ripshit. I couldn't believe it. Worse part, it's like he knew I saw it and was taunting me asking if I liked creeping and hopefully I liked what I saw. I wanted to castrate him right then. (Ugh) I was so angry.

A few days later I texted him about some college. At the end of the conversation, he asked why I had hit him up. Someone how I missed a text because I answered the next one asking why do I put up with his bullshit. I thought if I didn't tell him now I will never be able to tell him. So I poured my heart out. Saying I still loved him 6 months later but I didn't like the cocky person he was becoming. He questioned my feelings and said he didn't get why I still loved him. I didn't get it. I was like don't you still have feelings for me? And as if he heard the question, he answered saying any and all feelings that he had for me had suppressed. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest ripped apart stomped on, then handed back in a mess. I was sick to my stomach. I had lost sleep, stressed over, didn't eat, overate, drove myself crazy over a guy who didn't have feelings for me? I felt so stupid and still do. I remember all this and still feel te same way for a guy who could care less. He still wants to be "friends" but unles I annoyingly hit him up. We won't ever talk.

His friend said that he had always been the person with a girl all throughout high school. Whether it was a girlfriend or someone he'd talk to. So he just wanted a change for college. I don't know where that story changed, but it changed about 3 times. Went from I can't see you so I won't date you, to wait till football season is over, to I want to hook up but be single for college and still be friends, to I have always been the lucky guy with a girl so I don't want one for college. (aka I want to e a whore) as you can see I am a little bitter. But u son know what to do. Still love him and all but I wonder if I dislike him. I feel so pathetic and stupid and I pray every night that I get over him or some miracle by God happens. But that's not going to happen. I can't help but to think that every thing from February to July and on .. that he had lied to me. Every single compliment, sweet talk, actions, "I love you".. was just a lie, because I didn't meet his "criteria".

Hmph, as you can see I had been thinking about this for awhile and still have more thoughts. Inhad planned this to be about feelings and how I have so many emotions running through me right now I may just call myself crazy, but u was stuck on the boys I love. Oh well I guess that's life. I can't wait to get away and start fresh (hopefully ... Cross my fingers)

Hmm gettig away and starting fresh ... That should be the next post. Till then ... Love.
Pami<3